Rough Day

This time of year is always a rough time for me. 4 years ago tomorrow my dad passed away. He had been suffering from heart problems most of his adult life. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, he had his first scare and we were told he would never make it. He had an artificial valve put in, his carotid artery replaced, and his aorta was tearing from the heart muscle. For some reason, God pulled him through. I later found out why. He had to walk me down the isle for my wedding, and see 6 of his grandchildren be born. When my youngest was 8 weeks old, he passed away. That is something that has kept me from having more children. How would they live without knowing such a great man? How could I have more children knowing that he was not able to hold them and give them his blessing? I am still amazed at how McKenna, who is now 4, but was 8 weeks when he died, still talks about him. She still seems to "remember" him.

I keep thinking that times will get easier without him, but they don't. I miss him every day. Unfortunately, his death came 1 day before my 5th wedding anniversary. It kind of puts a damper on a day that is supposed to be a happy one. I do not like my anniversary any more and I can just see the hurt in my husbands eyes every year when he tries so hard to make it special and I just cry and don't want much to do with it.

Well, this year is not much different, just add the hormones of being pregnant and I am sure you can guess how my attitude had been. I guess that is the reason for this post. I am trying to make myself more accountable for what I do and say, and this time it is especially hard. I do love my husband, but at this time of year really sucks. At times I just wish I could crawl into a hole until it all passes, but I know that would be no good for my family, so I go on. I know that this to shall pass and things will be better soon, I just wish they would hurry up!!!