This time of year is always a rough time for me. 4 years ago tomorrow my dad passed away. He had been suffering from heart problems most of his adult life. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, he had his first scare and we were told he would never make it. He had an artificial valve put in, his carotid artery replaced, and his aorta was tearing from the heart muscle. For some reason, God pulled him through. I later found out why. He had to walk me down the isle for my wedding, and see 6 of his grandchildren be born. When my youngest was 8 weeks old, he passed away. That is something that has kept me from having more children. How would they live without knowing such a great man? How could I have more children knowing that he was not able to hold them and give them his blessing? I am still amazed at how McKenna, who is now 4, but was 8 weeks when he died, still talks about him. She still seems to "remember" him.
I keep thinking that times will get easier without him, but they don't. I miss him every day. Unfortunately, his death came 1 day before my 5th wedding anniversary. It kind of puts a damper on a day that is supposed to be a happy one. I do not like my anniversary any more and I can just see the hurt in my husbands eyes every year when he tries so hard to make it special and I just cry and don't want much to do with it.
Well, this year is not much different, just add the hormones of being pregnant and I am sure you can guess how my attitude had been. I guess that is the reason for this post. I am trying to make myself more accountable for what I do and say, and this time it is especially hard. I do love my husband, but at this time of year really sucks. At times I just wish I could crawl into a hole until it all passes, but I know that would be no good for my family, so I go on. I know that this to shall pass and things will be better soon, I just wish they would hurry up!!!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
What is my focus
There have been a lot of things going on in my life lately that have added stress. For the past 15 years, my husband (with a heart of gold) let his Aunt and her family live in a house he owned becuase they could not get it in their name. Now, we never made any money on this house or charged them any rent. They paid the bills just as though it was their own house. A few years ago, we noticed that things were starting to need to be fixed up around there, so we took out a loan on the house for them to fix it. Unfortunately they took the money, spent it on other things and did not fix the house. In December of 2007, the family business was doing well and we went a little overboard on Christmas for the kids. (That should have been my first clue). My focus that year seemed to be on presents and how happy the kids would be instead of what Christmas was really about. 3 weeks before Christmas, we got a phone call from his aunt that said they had moved out. They left us with Novembers payment, Decembers payment and the taxes that they did not pay for that year. Now, let me tell you where my focus was that Christmas. NOT IN THE RIGHT PLACE!!! Since then, we have completly gutted not only the house, but our bank accounts, trying to get it to a place to sell. We even called a place called Ug Buys Ugly houses and even they would not take this house. It was DESTROYED!! They left clothes, a fridge full of food, couches, and it was a MESS!!! For the past year and a half, I have held a grudge towards them. My focus has been on how angry I am at them.
In the midst of all of this, I found out I was pregnant with child number 4, and the job I REALLY have wanted for the past 5 years may be opening up. Is this the right time for this job? If I pass it up, will I have the opportunity again? Well, I still don't know about the job, I have been patiently waiting for 2 months with no word if it is available yet. As if everyday life wasn't stress enough!!!
The house is just about finished and is on the market. We had a contract on it, but the man buying it lost his job the day of closing. We will never regain all we have put into this house, in either time or money. I have been a single mom for the past year and a half as Chris has put every spare moment into fixing it because we couldn't afford to have someone come in and do it.
Now, I ask myself, what is my focus? I have spent so much anger and so much hatred on this house and what is has done to us, I have lost focus. What was God trying to tell us? Maybe we shouldn't have gone overboard on Christmas that year, maybe it is time we all turn around and see what is important to us, maybe it was to put my priorities in order.
I am still trying to get over my anger. His aunt no longer talks to anyone in the family, does not come to any functions. We never see her. This has been hard for my children, especially my oldest. She was very close to them. I have tried very hard to not let them see any of this and to just think that they are busy and found a new place to live. I can't say I am completely over it, although I would like to.
My focus needs to change from where it was, to what it needs to be. We have grown as a family, my husband has gotten new confidence in what he is capable of doing. I just keep thinking, it has to sell soon (with such a great market we have right now ha ha). I don't know that my routine of praying for this will ever end. I think I will still pray daily for the house to sell even when it is gone since it has become such a big part of our lives. I know that I am supposed to ask for God's will to be done, but this time I am really hoping that his will is to sell this house and to get this job. I can't help but think that it is time that something goes right!! We have sacrificed a lot because of this house, but isn't that what we are called to do? All I can get out of this is that God has a GREAT sense of humor and I will be spending a lot of time in purgatory because of this house, but I have changed my focus of what is important and will be trying to live a simpler life.
In the midst of all of this, I found out I was pregnant with child number 4, and the job I REALLY have wanted for the past 5 years may be opening up. Is this the right time for this job? If I pass it up, will I have the opportunity again? Well, I still don't know about the job, I have been patiently waiting for 2 months with no word if it is available yet. As if everyday life wasn't stress enough!!!
The house is just about finished and is on the market. We had a contract on it, but the man buying it lost his job the day of closing. We will never regain all we have put into this house, in either time or money. I have been a single mom for the past year and a half as Chris has put every spare moment into fixing it because we couldn't afford to have someone come in and do it.
Now, I ask myself, what is my focus? I have spent so much anger and so much hatred on this house and what is has done to us, I have lost focus. What was God trying to tell us? Maybe we shouldn't have gone overboard on Christmas that year, maybe it is time we all turn around and see what is important to us, maybe it was to put my priorities in order.
I am still trying to get over my anger. His aunt no longer talks to anyone in the family, does not come to any functions. We never see her. This has been hard for my children, especially my oldest. She was very close to them. I have tried very hard to not let them see any of this and to just think that they are busy and found a new place to live. I can't say I am completely over it, although I would like to.
My focus needs to change from where it was, to what it needs to be. We have grown as a family, my husband has gotten new confidence in what he is capable of doing. I just keep thinking, it has to sell soon (with such a great market we have right now ha ha). I don't know that my routine of praying for this will ever end. I think I will still pray daily for the house to sell even when it is gone since it has become such a big part of our lives. I know that I am supposed to ask for God's will to be done, but this time I am really hoping that his will is to sell this house and to get this job. I can't help but think that it is time that something goes right!! We have sacrificed a lot because of this house, but isn't that what we are called to do? All I can get out of this is that God has a GREAT sense of humor and I will be spending a lot of time in purgatory because of this house, but I have changed my focus of what is important and will be trying to live a simpler life.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Girls on the Run
What a GREAT weekend we had. My 9 year old daughter Peyton (in the pink shirt) has been part of an excellent program at her school for the past 10 weeks called Girls on the Run. This program is for girls in grades 3-6 to learn how to stay active, learn self esteem, and empower themselves to be the best they can be. In this picture, is Mia and Uncle Brian, Emma, McKenna, Bella, Peyton, Jacob, me and my mom. We all took part in this (although I did not do the run). I was determined to see her at the finish line. This was one of the proudest I have been of her. What a great accomplishment to run a 5K. She did it in 44 minutes and with little to no difficulty. This program went on 2 days a week for 10 weeks. These girls learned healthly habits and ran like crazy. As a mom of 3 soon to be 4, I began to think of how great this program was for our girls and how I wish I had something like this for myself. Then I realized that I do. Who empowers me? Who teaches me healthy habits? Who tells me I can be the best I can be? The answer for that is easy: Jesus does.
I am so lucky to have a community that supports each other and where I am open to be who I am without reservations. I am excepted for what I have become, and I am proud of who I am. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LOT to learn and a LOT to work on, but I am content with the pace of what I am learning. My only hope is that my children have this same aspect to themselves and know that they were raised with a strong faith and traditions and lead a productive life with what they were taught.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tooth Fairy
Yesterday when Peyton came to the car after school yesterday she had the biggest smile I have ever seen. Now, just so you know, this is not a common occurance. Usually she comes to the car with someone who was not nice, a bad grade (which isn't very common), a teacher was mean to her, or not feeling well.
When I saw that smile it brightened my day and all over a lost tooth. I didn't even know it was loose. At her age, I was starting to worry that she didn't believe anymore. When she got home she called everyone she knew to tell them about it. She was excited about this and even wrote a note to the tooth fairy and wanted to know what her mom's name was.
Chris and I talked about it before we sat down to watch our favorite TV show and then we went to bed. I woke up this morning with no thoughts of the tooth fairy. Chris went into her room and came out saying "we forgot". Well, I guess I don't get the mother of the year award. I was devastated. How could I forget something so big. I hurried downstairs and got out the $2 that the tooth fairy normally gives and went into her room. I snuck it under her pillow on her bed. I felt terrible since she had made a table next to her bed with a table cover, her tooth pillow, and a letter to the tooth fairy. She came downstairs and was noticably sad. I asked what was wrong. She told me he forgot.
I told her that was not possible, to look again. That is when Jacob (her 6 year old brother) told her that the last time he lost a tooth, the tooth fairy left his money in a spot different than where he left his tooth. Amazing how he covered for me and didn't even know it.
That leaves me to how long to let my children be nieve. This morning it crossed my mind to just tell her the truth because I didn't know how long I can do this. Then I realized that being nieve is the best part of being a child. I remembered her smile and how it made me feel. How could I take that away from her. How could I rob her of what makes childhood so speical, their innocents. That's when I realized that isn't it my goal to be more childlike and more innocent?
How much out there that I don't know about, but I still believe. How I can live my life they way I am told by my father, just as my kids are by me. I can live as though I childlike and wear my beliefs on my sleeve. I can tell everyone I know about what I believe in (like the lost tooth) and know that he will come to me in the same way that a child believes that the tooth fairy will come to them.
When I saw that smile it brightened my day and all over a lost tooth. I didn't even know it was loose. At her age, I was starting to worry that she didn't believe anymore. When she got home she called everyone she knew to tell them about it. She was excited about this and even wrote a note to the tooth fairy and wanted to know what her mom's name was.
Chris and I talked about it before we sat down to watch our favorite TV show and then we went to bed. I woke up this morning with no thoughts of the tooth fairy. Chris went into her room and came out saying "we forgot". Well, I guess I don't get the mother of the year award. I was devastated. How could I forget something so big. I hurried downstairs and got out the $2 that the tooth fairy normally gives and went into her room. I snuck it under her pillow on her bed. I felt terrible since she had made a table next to her bed with a table cover, her tooth pillow, and a letter to the tooth fairy. She came downstairs and was noticably sad. I asked what was wrong. She told me he forgot.
I told her that was not possible, to look again. That is when Jacob (her 6 year old brother) told her that the last time he lost a tooth, the tooth fairy left his money in a spot different than where he left his tooth. Amazing how he covered for me and didn't even know it.
That leaves me to how long to let my children be nieve. This morning it crossed my mind to just tell her the truth because I didn't know how long I can do this. Then I realized that being nieve is the best part of being a child. I remembered her smile and how it made me feel. How could I take that away from her. How could I rob her of what makes childhood so speical, their innocents. That's when I realized that isn't it my goal to be more childlike and more innocent?
How much out there that I don't know about, but I still believe. How I can live my life they way I am told by my father, just as my kids are by me. I can live as though I childlike and wear my beliefs on my sleeve. I can tell everyone I know about what I believe in (like the lost tooth) and know that he will come to me in the same way that a child believes that the tooth fairy will come to them.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Doing it in a loving way
I have to tell you that one of the worst things for me about being a mother is taking the kids to the bathroom in a public place. I know that for most people, this is something that is not that big of a deal, but I HATE IT!!! Every time my 4 year old tells me she has to go potty, I sigh, hoping someone else will take her. Usually I end up doing it.
I was at my FROG (Families relying on God) meeting the other day and we were talking about our callings. It seems as though I was called to be a wife and a mother, although I was not thinking that these were very important callings. It was just something I did. I mean think about it, being a Priest, Sister, Nun, or Brother is much more important in this world and a much BIGGER calling isn't it? Well, after we talked about it for a while, I started to realize how important my calling was and that I was not taking it very seriously. I mean God called me to do this and for the most part I seem to run on auto-pilot and just do what I am supposed to. I used to pride myself on being a "fun" mom and "fun" wife. I was smiling all the time and got down and dirty with the kids. With in the last year, that has changed. With all the baseball, softball, dance, cheerleading, hockey, and not to mention dinners, cleaning and laundry to do there just wasn't time in the day to do the "fun" things anymore. After that discussion with my "moms" I realized how much I missed doing these things and that I was missing my calling.
That is when, on Friday night, we were at a carnial at the church and we were having a blast. We decided that it was time to go home and McKenna (4) said she had to go potty. This time, instead of a big sigh or getting aggrivated, I said OK, let's go. I then remembered our discussion about our callings. These mundane tasks that we do everyday are all part of our calling and it is important to do them "In a Loving Way". That is the part that is the calling. Every diaper change, every time we take children to the bathroom, and any other task that we find stressful, it is important to do it in a loving way. I have been reminding myself of that all weekend and have seen a HUGE change in our house in just a few days. I am clamer, the kids are calmer, and I am back to HAVING FUN with my kids.
I was at my FROG (Families relying on God) meeting the other day and we were talking about our callings. It seems as though I was called to be a wife and a mother, although I was not thinking that these were very important callings. It was just something I did. I mean think about it, being a Priest, Sister, Nun, or Brother is much more important in this world and a much BIGGER calling isn't it? Well, after we talked about it for a while, I started to realize how important my calling was and that I was not taking it very seriously. I mean God called me to do this and for the most part I seem to run on auto-pilot and just do what I am supposed to. I used to pride myself on being a "fun" mom and "fun" wife. I was smiling all the time and got down and dirty with the kids. With in the last year, that has changed. With all the baseball, softball, dance, cheerleading, hockey, and not to mention dinners, cleaning and laundry to do there just wasn't time in the day to do the "fun" things anymore. After that discussion with my "moms" I realized how much I missed doing these things and that I was missing my calling.
That is when, on Friday night, we were at a carnial at the church and we were having a blast. We decided that it was time to go home and McKenna (4) said she had to go potty. This time, instead of a big sigh or getting aggrivated, I said OK, let's go. I then remembered our discussion about our callings. These mundane tasks that we do everyday are all part of our calling and it is important to do them "In a Loving Way". That is the part that is the calling. Every diaper change, every time we take children to the bathroom, and any other task that we find stressful, it is important to do it in a loving way. I have been reminding myself of that all weekend and have seen a HUGE change in our house in just a few days. I am clamer, the kids are calmer, and I am back to HAVING FUN with my kids.
Friday, May 8, 2009
first blog
I am trying something new. I have never used a blog before to write about myself. I teach for a University, and my students and I use the blog all the time, but I haven't done it for myself before. This was inspired by a friend who uses her blog to inspire me all the time. She has great insight and seems to keep me accountable to what I do. My family and my faith are very important to me and I feel as though we have gotten away from what is important lately and I am hoping this will be my way of getting back on track.
One thing my friend has talked about recently is how they pray the rosary (or at least 1 decade of it) every night after dinner. We used to do this at bedtime, but is seems lately that there are many obstacles that get in the way of this. I need to set my priorities. We are going to try to do this after dinner. We are very faithful about praying before meals, but I think even that is becoming rote and not heartfelt. I am very thankful to my friend who seems to keep me in check.
One thing my friend has talked about recently is how they pray the rosary (or at least 1 decade of it) every night after dinner. We used to do this at bedtime, but is seems lately that there are many obstacles that get in the way of this. I need to set my priorities. We are going to try to do this after dinner. We are very faithful about praying before meals, but I think even that is becoming rote and not heartfelt. I am very thankful to my friend who seems to keep me in check.
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